"So-named for the lumpy texture and color of it before you put the toppings on it, though we also named it before we actually had children. Despite the off-putting name, you'll never want to go back to the relatively plain oatmeal preparations you've been trained to expect via the rather underwhelming offerings you get in variety packs of instant oatmeal and whatnot."
Bring oats and water to a boil in a saucepan; reduce heat to medium-low and cook simmer.
Stir ancho pepper into the oats. Add peanut butter and stir until melted into the oats. Mash the banana into the oats (it'll dissolve into the oatmeal). Stir honey, cherries, salt, brown sugar, cinnamon, and paprika into the oats mixture. Continue cooking until the oats are tender, and the mixture is thick, about 20 minutes.
Stir coconut milk into the oats mixture; cook until hot, 3 to 5 minutes.
Ladle into two bowls; top each portion with about half the apple, 1 minced fresno pepper, and 1 tablespoon coconut milk