I like screaming at mice in the bathroom while on my knees. Sometimes I like to pull people's scabs off and run into the streets. Every weekend, I wander the neighborhood wearing a homeless man's soiled bathrobe drinking CDM coffee in my "#1 Mom" coffee mug.
I fasten the urnine-stained bathrobe with a bicycle chain, because the robe didn't come with one. I have to use the terlet every 13 minutes. I like.... Hang on, I have to use the terlet, it's gonna be a big one!
My favorite things to cook
I love cooking dove meat. The meat is wild. When I say wild, I really mean I shot it the backyard with a pellet gun and the meat is infested with worms and weevils. Now, the weevils are squiggly and tend to move about my McGuiver kitchen table. You have to put them in the croc pot with the dove heart. I marinate it with ketchup, which I call the "taste mutilator", because it mutilates the taste buds.
Another family favorite is Orange Steak with wallpaper paste mashed potatoes. I make a mean case of gout soup. You take terlet whada an put it ova some maggot meat, bay!
My favorite family cooking traditions
I like to McGuyver anything together! I like McGuyvering canned meats along with whatever is laying on the kitchen table. Another family secret is ketchup. I put ketchup on my ketchup, that way I have double ketchup. I love making Bacon-flavored Sprite and I have the eyelid boils to prove it.
As a family we come together to make flan. One time I spent six months of my life force feeding flan to my family. Of course, I didn't have caramel, so I used Tide original scent instead. My son has some eye problems from six months of Tide consumption, but he can still see his fingers!
My cooking triumphs
I made an oragne steak by adding spagetti sauce as a marinade. The family thought it was delicious, especially the dog. I've created mashed potatos out of wallpaper paste. I made a stew out of the pigeon, dove and owl meat I have in my garage freezer.
I started off adding pink Himalayan sea salt, which doesn't make any sense because the Himalayans are mountains and are not near the ocean nor any sea for that matter. Matter of fact, the Himalayans are the world's tallest mountains, which really means that the salt isn't from the sea. However, I buy this anyway, because everybody buys food at Marshall's!
Put the salt on the bird meat and marinade it with Newman's Own Basil Tomato Sauce for three hours. Then I put that fricka in the crock-pot for 4 hours on high, bay. That's delicious!
My cooking tragedies
I try to mix anything on the table into food. Normally my test subjects are my husband and son. My husband loves when I make noodle kaboodle. I usually don't have noodles, so I substitute them with the night crawlers I found outside.
My son lives across the state with his girlfriend, Megan Fox, but she can't cook better than me! When he comes home I feed him a nice medium rare filet, which I substitute with some pig ears covered in marmalade.