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Our Last Dinner Got Cold... 
Jul. 19, 2010 9:18 am 
Updated: Aug. 31, 2010 8:16 am
Warning, this blog is going to be very depressing and off-topic. I'm putting it here because it has somewhat of a food spin to it and I have no other place I could put it without it being horribly awkward because of mutual friend situations.

It had been a little over three weeks since we'd had that fight. It was after the Totoro movie night and he broke down, saying that he'd left to go to Starbucks not because he had a work project to finish, but because he was so stressed out about crazy projects at work, trying to go back to school to get a different degree, trying to keep up with me and feeling like I wasn't there to support him.

He told me that he needed a couple weeks off to think things through and get his priorities straight. I wanted to just work things out, but respected that he wanted his space, so I grabbed the things I was going to need to house-sit for my mom and sister for the next two weeks or so and told him to call me when he was ready.

He texted me two days later asking when he could see me. I was so confused. I had really been expecting him to try and take some significant time to find his Zen and come back when he was really ready. We agreed to meet up the morning of the July 4th.

He brought over stuff to make breakfast and explained to me his thoughts. Went into deeper details about financial trouble he'd been hiding from me, how stressed he was about a test he knew he was going to fail, but still wanted to stress over studying for it anyways, the insane pressure he was going through at work being given his normal work load, plus several special projects and still having the expectations laid upon him that his workflow would stay the same, that he felt like I ALWAYS had something planned for us...

But he said that he still wanted to be with me, and it was silly of him to run away like that.

He spent the night that night, but left right away in the morning, saying a friend wanted to have brunch. The friend that he tells everything to.

I didn't see him again until Saturday night. He came over and we went out for dinner, then wandered around Barnes and Noble for a while before heading home. He just seemed so distant. It was strange.

He left early again the next morning, saying he needed to do laundry at home and wanted to take a nap.

He skipped out on movie night (which I had hosted at the house the last week instead of at his apartment, like we normally do) at the house and I wasn't able to make it to his Kathy Griffin night on Tuesday or our friend's birthday on Wednesday because of my duties watching the old doggy (she has to go out quite often or she leaves carpet art that needs to be cleaned up), so he asked if he could come over Thursday night.

I was overjoyed! My mom and sister were coming back Friday, so I could pack my things back up and when he left for work in the morning, he could take some of it with him so we could unpack it together Friday.

He texted me saying he was going to be late because he had a project to work on.

I was going to make the night special. I made pork cutlets in a wine sauce, poppy seed rice and home made Cream of Mushroom Soup in between doing laundry and getting the house ready for my departure.

He finally came around 10 o'clock. The food wasn't the freshest, but I had kept it warm on the stove.

I knew something was up when he came to the door without his backpack.

He asked where Alyssa (the friend who was helping me house-sit because she could be there during the day while I was at work) and what I was doing. I told him I was packing things up to move it back over to our place and that she was at work.

He asked if we could talk.

I grabbed my glass of wine from the table and sat down on the couch.

He repeated the things he had already told me twice before, about all of the stresses.

Then said that he was scared he was rushing things with us, that maybe I really wasn't ready to move out of the house and in with him. Maybe my mom and sister really did still need me there to support them.

He brought up his ex and talked about how for the last few years they were together, he hated him. How he wished his ex would have just had the balls to end it so he wouldn't have wasted those years. He also mentioned how his ex was a financial burden to him and stole a lot more money than he had let on to me before.

Then came the pause. He tried to speak and his voice cracked when he said, "That's why I've decided it would be best..."

He had decided to break up with me because he was scared that we would grow to hate and resent each other, that he was scared that were had been drifting apart for the past three months.

I listened to his as I hid my face behind my hand, trying to hold back tears.

He told me that he had all of my stuff in his car.

That's when Alyssa got home.

She knew something was wrong instantly and kept her distance.

Cliff gave me his key and I unpacked my things from his car. It was the most painful thing I'd ever done.

As I was unloading clothes, he asked me if I had anything to say.

But I could say anything and closed the bedroom door while I tried to get the key to the apartment off of my key ring.

I gave it to him and said that I couldn't talk about it right now, that we had to get together later.

He asked for his car key, walked out the front door, closed it behind him, and that's the last I've seen or heard of him, other than seeing his Facebook statuses about going out with friends and how it's odd being in the empty apartment, but it's best for him and how his business trip to Florida will be good for him.

I went out into the dark living room, sat down on the couch and lost it. I don't know how long I just sat there crying, but Alyssa was at my side almost instantly. She didn't say anything, but wrapped her arm around me and lent me a shoulder to cry on.

Our dinner just sat on the table, getting colder and colder.

I've sent him a few messages while trying to figure out where this came from, but he's either ignoring or deleting them.

He left this morning for Florida and doesn't get back until Thursday evening.

The next day is my birthday and the Lady Gaga concert.

He'll be there, but he had to get seats away from mine because we couldn't get enough tickets at the same time.

It's just... I really was, am, in love with him. We talked about this being for the long-haul, about renting a little starter house next year, and searching for a house to buy the year after that. We talked about adopting a little girl, or having friend have a baby for us once we were settled down in  the house...

I've never been much of a romantic, but there is something special about him and I can't see myself with anyone else. I know that sounds horribly young and naive, and maybe it is just me being young and naive.

I just want him back, but I think he's fallen out of love with me and rationalized a reason to end it between us.

It feels more like I lost him to cancer than him breaking up with me.

I haven't been able to eat because there's a knot in my stomach and I constantly feel nauseous. I haven't been able to sleep because different thoughts about what I might have been able to do differently run through my mind, and when I do sleep I've been having nightmares. All of my muscles ache and I find myself randomly crying because different things remind me of him.

I feel like such a little girl, but it's like the sky shattered and fell down on top of me, but without being pretty.

Sorry for this horrible blog, I just had to really get it out. We'd been together for a year and almost eight months, but it felt like longer (which is a good thing), and we have a lot of mutual friends. Only one of our mutual friends has reached out to me since it happened, all the others have just started acting like I don't exist... As if the feeling of being isolated and alone could get any worse. All of them are on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. and I don't really have a place to vent without some people being all strange about it.

So, thank you for bearing with me through all of this.

Hope everyone has a good week.
Jul. 19, 2010 10:56 am
I'm new to reading blogs so this is the first one of yours that I have read. I'm sorry that you are going through such a painful thing. I know it is not easy but if he is having these feelings, then he is not the one for you. You will just have to accept him at his word and move on. Focus on yourself and doing things you like. Once the focus is on you and your best interest, then the right guy will come along. Who knows, maybe he will even come to his senses. Stop texting him and calling him. It will only make you feel worse. Good luck to you.
Jul. 19, 2010 11:06 am
arrrgh! Relationship can be so painful sometimes - so sorry this one is causing you so much. Hang in there - I'm a firm believer that things always happen for a reason.
Jul. 19, 2010 12:37 pm
I am really sorry you are going through this. It is really easy to say he isn't right for you or to move on, but that doesn't change your feeling for him. The only thing I can say is time will heal your heart. Keep yourself busy and around friends and loved ones. Keep cooking your delicious looking food!
Jul. 19, 2010 12:52 pm
icemama - Yeah, that's what some of the people I've talked with have told... I haven't been blowing up his phone because I know how annoyed I would be. He doesn't check his email very often, so I figured that would be the least intrusive way to try and connect with him and I limit myself to one message a day. jen911 - Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated. Melissa - Thank you for your kind words as well... I've just got to find things to cook that don't remind me of him.
Jul. 19, 2010 8:01 pm
Hang in there, sweetie. Remember, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...blah blah blah. I know, it's b.s. but maybe some truth to it? Have some ice cream, go out with friends, remember to count your blessings, and this too shall pass. Maybe he is kind of immature and his feelings scared the cr@p out of him? Anyway, hang in there!!
Jul. 19, 2010 9:06 pm
:-( I'm sorry...I don't have any advice, but I hope that at least getting it out in a blog helped some. What a sad situation...and of course you'd miss him. You were together a long time.
Jul. 19, 2010 9:51 pm
I am so sorry you're going through this rough time. You will get through this with the help of good friends. You said you are always with people, now it' more important than ever to surround yourself with family and friends. And don't forget we're always here to listen. Hang in there : )
Jul. 19, 2010 11:55 pm
Such a tough thing to go through. Hope airing it helped...at least a little. Baby yourself and surround yourself with friends and loved ones kiddo.
Jul. 20, 2010 3:17 am
Break-ups are awful. I understand your pain is so gut wrenching. But it seems he is really telling you it is not working out. Please don't set yourself up for more angst by contacting him. You have emailed him and make the excuse he doesn't check it often. But you post a message and then you are left waiting for a reply that doesn't come and continue to hope it will the next day. And every day you open your mailbox...and hurt all over again. A complete break will be healthier for you. Please be kinder to yourself...as hard as it is. Hugs to you.
Jul. 20, 2010 7:48 am
Thanks you guys, I know it sounds strange because I don't really know any of your, but the kind words and advice is much appreciated. I feel like an idiot because I'm sitting here at my computer crying because your kindness to a stranger has touched me so deeply. I'll try to go easy on myself and my friends are doing their best to make sure I know they're there during every waking moment of the day, but I have a feeling this is going to be a long and hard healing process...
Jul. 20, 2010 8:17 am
You know what just came to my mind? I belive with every fiber of my being that things happen for a reason, there is no such thing as luck. Maybe this happenned for a reason too, maybe without this break-up you'd never meet the person you supposed to spend the rest of your life with. And that person will be worth all this right now...
Jul. 20, 2010 10:09 am
I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now and I know there is nothing to make it better at this time. It sounds like you really love this guy BUT love him enough right now to give him what he wants which should like time and space. I would delete him from your FB friends along with the other mutual friends you have that have cut you off. That is not to be mean but that is to give you the fresh start you so deserve. If he needs time and space, let him have it. Who knows where you'll both be a year from now but don't let him or your feelings for him dictate your life. Get out there and live, have fun, meet people, give him his space.
Jul. 20, 2010 10:46 am
Oh, this is so sad. I am so sorry. Please don't beat yourself over what you think you did to cause all of this - it is highly unlikely that you did or didn't do anything, you certainly can't take all the blame upon yourself, and even if some of it were true, it doesn't matter. People either work together or they don't, and the finding out can be really hard and painful. I've just "met" you here but I plan to get to know you a little better through your blog. You write very well and seem to be a considerate person. Hang in there. Things will work out.
Jul. 20, 2010 12:47 pm
i dont comment on many blogs, but this one tugged on my heart strings. i know what its like to get your heart stomped on. it really is painful! and it just adds to the suckiness of the situation when you had "mutual" friends, that once youre not with that someone anymore, seem to be a lot less "mutual". try to keep your mind off him by keeping busy with things that you truly enjoy. like cooking! im such a dork, when my ex broke it off with me i read the entire Lord Of the Rings book.. the long one, that doesnt have pics of Elijah Wood or Sean Astin or VIGGO MORTENSEN. It really did keep my mind off of being sad for a while. anyway, *big hugs* dont beat yourself up or blame yourself for what happened. try to stay positive! dont listen to sappy music it only makes the tears come faster. hang in there buddy!
Jul. 21, 2010 6:47 am
I also rarely comment on blogs, but I wanted to say 'hang in there' to you. Breakups are always awful, no matter how long you have been together. There is some really good advice from other posters... I agree that you should try to refrain from sending emails, and maybe even deleting from fb. It is hard to move on if the other person is always in your face. I once had a serious boyfriend, who called me to say he was designing my engagement ring. I was ecstatic! He dumped me about 3 weeks later, by email. Broke my heart. I cried for months. Even years later, that is the breakup I remember. After that I was never really interested in getting married, but what do you know? 6 or 7 years later I met a great guy, and we married 12 months later. All I can say is hang in there, because one day someone who totally deserves you will come along and this awful time will become a distant memory. You don't need anyone to define who you are, so get out there and try to do things that you enjoy, call up friends (not mutual ones) and spoil yourself. The person who is worth your tears will never make you cry. Take care x
Jul. 22, 2010 6:19 am
Oh, I am almost in tears! I have been there, too, and I have learned and believe 100% that everything really happens for the best (even though it doesn't seem like it now). Hang in there!
Aug. 31, 2010 8:16 am
Thanks for all of the support... He's come back, admitting he let stress get to him when he shouldn't have and that he did something really stupid. We're working on things, but it's a very slow process. I'm not sure if things will work out in the end, but at least it's not just a brick wall ending. Again, thanks for being a part of this great community and giving me all these words of support. It really means a lot.
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About Me
I've grown up in a family of amateur chefs. My dad is the grill maste, my mom is the oven improv queen, my grandmas are lean, mean baking machines, my uncles have great taste in wine and my aunts know how to cook for the masses. I used to love spending time in the kitchen with them when I was a kid; learning as I watched and helped them prepare meals. Now I have a pretty good sense of my own taste and cooking ability. I definitely have a love of baking and making sweets, mostly because it creates a great excuse to invite people over =) Other than that, I'm pretty adventurous in the kitchen. I love foods with strong, complex flavors. Growing up in Texas, I developed a taste for spicy food and can't get enough of it. Right now, I'm concentrating on healthy meals with balanced nutrition to help myself and my family get in great shape for this summer and the future =)
My favorite things to cook
I love to bake. Cooking anything is fun, but put a cake pan or some muffin tins in front of me and I just get excited =)
My favorite family cooking traditions
I love all the baking tips I've gotten from my grandparents who are some of the best bakers EVER and the patience I've learned from my mother, who makes the best northern-style chili you will ever eat!
My cooking triumphs
I love to entertain and make tapas for parties. I think some of my greatest triumphs have been snack foods for parties and conventions ranging from Mediterranean shrimp croustinis to heart healthy blackberry mini-muffins =)
My cooking tragedies
Fondant. I have never been able to really get fondant down. I can usually make it alright, but something always goes wrong when I'm trying to use it. I'm very much a perfectionist, so when it doesn't look JUST RIGHT, it bugs me =P
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