If only we were amoeba and could reproduce without the need of male and female. No need for marriage or the fragile tests of courtship.
No misunderstanding between genders. No division during child rearing. No conflicts because of gender based decorating preferences. The malls might actually be interesting without all of the stores selling clothes for just one gender. (We could all wear the
same thing!) We would all be interested in pickup trucks, motorcycles, hunting and beer busts. If one needs someone to talk to, one simply divides oneself and starts talking. The simple amoeba! To be envied!
Instead, we have lives that, if written as a script, would be one continuous… Melodrama!
1. A drama, such as a play, film, or television program, characterized by exaggerated emotions, stereotypical characters, and interpersonal conflicts.
The dramatic genre characterized by this treatment.
2. Behavior or occurrences having melodramatic characteristics.
and Cat Hill
had blog entries that pointed out their perceived shortcomings of the male side of the gender gap. Rather than let those sleeping dogs lay, I’m going to give them a kick under the tail and stir them up a bit.
Oops! Sleeping dogs, uhh… I mean the subjects of their blogs. Not… uhhh… you know. A metaphor! That’s all it is!
Magnolia Blossom asked why there isn’t any rule books for wives to use. That answer is easy enough, it would have to
be written by a man and that would automatically make it invalid and irrelevant to the women.
GoodEatNZ had her input that illuminated for me just how deeply this lack of knowledge runs with her comment, “Men, like
our furry friends, have their own unique way of communicating. Jowl wiping on the carpet (or even better, the sofa)” After I thought about this for a while, I realized she may have opened the door for a whole new methodology for male expression. Maybe I’ll
put together a proposal for the next meeting of “Males Against Emasculation”.
Anyway, I feel many women have a misunderstanding of male attention to them. Marriage shouldn’t be paralleled with the US legislature
where weeks of bickering, sniping, name calling and lying are the only result that is born from the mal- interpretation of the original intended meaning. So, in that spirit I’ll explain the elements of male compliments.
In both of those posts, getting compliments for the meals seemed to be the contention of merit. There were many replies to these posts,
but no offerings of understanding. In an effort to clarify things, I responded on Cat’s post and I’ll repeat it here in greater detail than I could in a comment.
First: Were the plates
clean? This is important but not an accurate indicator of gratitude for a good meal. It must be accompanied by one or all of the following grades of belching.
Second: How loud were
There are two quiet grades and five audible grades. The first quiet grade being suitable for social gatherings and only
the most tentative wife would know it happened. It comes out real smooth, quiet and through the nostrils. This level of belch is for use in polite company.It means the meal is done, can we leave now? The second quiet one will cause the cheeks to puff out some
and when the lips are parted a slight pop will be heard. Only those looking directly toward the compliment will be aware of it. Sometimes, someone might hear the little pop and turn toward the sound but will exhibit no further interest than that. This grade
is also for use in polite company, and compliments the cook. It means, the food was good, the meal is done and can we leave now?
Now, the audible ones are for use anywhere that the man feels a need to express himself. Typically, he will reserve them
for those he loves and wants to please. The grades are given names that correspond to explosives.
The Grade 5 Belch, being the least, is called “The Lady Finger” (after the small firecracker of the same name- not the
overt sign wives often gives their husbands.) because it makes the least noise. This is a compliment but also means the cook could have done much better. It is usually given after saying, “What an interesting meal”.
The Grade 4 Belch is “The Cherry Bomb” and is always heard after a great lunch of hot dogs, beer batter fried onions
and beer. It can also be heard after a great supper of pizza, potato chips and beer. This one will always cause folks to turn their heads and affirm they have heard the compliment.
The Grade 3 Belch is “The M-80”. At this level, misunderstanding often occurs. Uneducated folks tend to call this level
“disgusting”, “horrible” or “eee-ewwww” These folks just don’t understand that a very tasty and plentiful meal has just been consumed and gratitude must be expressed. It results in embarrassment to the poor man because of the misguided judgments of others.
The Grade 2 Belch is “Dynamite”. People really pay close attention when they hear this one. They always affirm they heard
it with reactive expressions such as “holy s###!” or
“what da he##!!”
Finally, the most desired of all compliments is “The MOAB”. The Mother of All Belches is Grade 1. The epitome of male
gratitude and compliments is when he rattles the house windows with his best belch while scratching both sides of his butt. Those around him may have sudden
expletives and/or spontaneous release of their own gas.
Third: Did they lay
down for a nap? Is so, were the naps taken on the sofa or chair or in the pickup. In the pickup is the highest nap compliment. That’s why there are eight foot boxes on pickups- for comfortable napping after a great meal.
Fourth: When they awaken,
do they hunt for chips? If not, that's a high compliment.
If your man fails to express his gratitude for the meal you prepared for him, just tell him so. He’ll be glad to correct
the unintentional oversight.
Then, there are the accusations of men not appreciating their spouses, being unable to find objects that wives claim
to be in plain sight, being simple, being disorganized, being inferior and incapable of household decisions. All of this will be addressed and clarified in future blog entries.