I Came Across A Poem Today. - 525cooking Blog at Allrecipes.com - 249615

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I came across a poem today. 
 
Sep. 9, 2011 9:29 pm 
Updated: Sep. 16, 2011 3:12 pm
Two Different Kinds of Love

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not remember,
the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star,
the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life,
and the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love.
The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality.
The other gave you a name.

One gave you a talent.
The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions.
The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile.
The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither.

Just two different kinds of Love.
~Author Unknown

The building I cleaned earlier today has a pregnancy clinic in it. It's a Christian oriented pretty much free clinic. Pregnancy tests, STD testing, ultrasounds etc. One of the offices had this poem laying about on the shelf. Now, I'm adopted. I was born October 23rd, 1990 and was laying in my crib by Halloween. So, I've clearly never known anything but my adoptive parents. My mother was in college when she and her boyfriend became pregnant. She was pressured by her family into giving me up for adoption. She then got pregnant again a few years later(different father, she'd broken up with my dad) and gave him up for adoption too and now has 3 kids by her husband and is pregnant again with her 4th by him(6 total).

I've always hated her for it. I just finished getting through years of therapy swearing up and down that I understood what she did and would do the same. Sitting in that office tonight I realized I didn't and never would understand it. That never in my life could I hold my child in my arms and willingly never see them again. (never once, let alone twice) I know that now I could not easily support a child but I also know that for my child I would go to the depths of hell to provide for them and that, no, I couldn't give them Ipads or Nintendos every year but I could give them what mattered. And that's what matters. Half of my head is angry. Screaming that adoption is the easy way out, the way to get out of working hard, that it's a quick fix because you weren't careful. The other half is trying to wrap around and understand that you want your child to have a better life and help a couple that can't have children of their own. But why do a 'closed adoption' why not allow yourself the option to contact the parents and say "how's my baby?" My biological grandparents(mothers side) broke the law for years until they died sending me little charms for a bracelet and my mother couldn't even be bothered to tell her husband she'd had me and my brother. Who by the way is my complete opposite lol FLAMING red hair and pale skin.

Now the unfortunate happening is that for all the wonderful love and support and parenting my parents have done I have a negative physical and mental reaction just being in the same room with them. There's just something I can't forgive them for. Living on my own I come to random revelations where I wish I could apologize and tell them I actually cared for them but I just can't bring myself to say it because as soon as I get in the same room it all just flies out of my mind in exchange for angry thoughts. Not sure why. Either way, this poem affected me and I'm not sure it was in a good way. Up till now I was ok with being adopted. Now, I'm not. Now, I take offense to the fact that I had to go through hell and her 4 other kids got to grow up all happy and with mommy. Ugh. I'm just jealous...yay...

This is gonna stir up some comments on it's own so I figure I'll keep the rest to myself. I didn't mean any offense to anyone so if you're offended deal with it. I just had to get it written down somewhere, here seemed a good a place as any. goodnight all. yay for controversial blog posts that have no point~
 
Comments
Mamaw1 
Sep. 9, 2011 10:14 pm
All things come together for good. It was no accident you found that heart-stirring poem. The raw emotions will eventually work themselves out to a calmer level. You are loved. Keep working on this issue as passionately as you cook! Best wishes, and prayers your way, Zerostar!
 
Sep. 10, 2011 6:37 am
Zerostar - As I started to read the poem my first thought was, 'Oh, I must send this to my friend.' For you see, she gave up a child for adoption when she was 19 and in college. Then I read your blog and I changed my mind. Your bio mom didn't take the easy way out - she gave you LIFE. She allowed you to LIVE. She could have had you sucked into a sink and walked away -pretended it didn't happen - only to do it again. That would have been taking the easy way out. My brother and his wife adopted 3 children. They were and still are good parents - they loved, educated, clothed and disciplined them. Their first adoptive child they got at birth much like you - today he is an adult, bi-polar / addict, would is angry at the world. They have nothing to do with each other and this breaks my brother's heart. The other two had special circumstances and they didn't get them until they were 2 and 3. Their daughter came to them at 2 - with an STD - no hair or finger nails from lack of nutrition. She today is a mother of 3, very close to her parents and a 'whole person.'. Their other son came to them at 3 - he had spina bifada and had been left to die at the hospital at birth and spent the first 3 years of his life with no parents at all. Unfortunately, he passed away at the age of 24 of complications after yet another in a series of surgeries. My brother and sister in law who adopted these children are the most kind, loving and selfless people on earth. Adoption is a gift - a gift of life.
 
goodcook 
Sep. 10, 2011 8:32 am
How selfish - self-centered and blind you are! Don't waste your life feeling sorry for yourself.
 
Sep. 10, 2011 9:08 am
our community has many children in foster care, some get adopted, some live with the foster family for years. Many arrive with complications, many excel as great people. Your past is what makes you into the person you are. Live for the future and change things you do not like and accept the things you cannot change.
 
Sep. 10, 2011 9:29 am
My heart hurts for you. For your own sake you must get past the anger and forgive all your parents. They all did the best they could at the time and until you walk in their shoes you will never know what they felt. I wish for you a peaceful spirit.
 
Sep. 10, 2011 10:07 am
Hi Jackie, I would love to talk to you, please feel free to email me at terlgerl@hotmail.com I have a very different experience. I think it is better to be raised by adoptive parents that want to raise you, that chose to raise you...then by an uncaring mother. Maybe you would be much worse off today if you had been raised by a young, selfish mother? I myself had a child at 18. I remember crying tears of joy at his birth. He was MY son. I loved with with all my heart. though...I had NO idea what I was getting myself into. You really can't understand until it is you with a baby that is completely dependant on you alone and the responsibility is overwhelming and unrelenting. It is tough doing it with two, loving committed parents....dang near impossible as a single young mom. I was very close to giving up (I interviewed a potention adoptive family) but by the grace of God I decided to keep my baby. It wasn't a selfish thing to consider adoption. I had grown up in a very dysfunctional home and doubted that I had the capacity to love my child like he deserved. I don't want to be harsh but you need to show your love and appreciation to your adoptive parents. If they did even a halfway decent job, they deserve it. Let your mother go. Giving birth doesn't make someone a mother. It's the tlc, 1,000's of books read, boo-boo's kissed, hugs given, constant presence that makes a Mom. God Bless, Sierra
 
Artsyness 
Sep. 10, 2011 11:49 am
You may need help with working through your abandonment issues, you are displacing your anger with your birth mother onto your adoptive parents...that is wholly unfair. What you are by 21 is the result of heredity and enviornment, what you become after that is a result of spirit and attitude...you need to work on you. Attitude is everything!
 
Sep. 10, 2011 2:32 pm
I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you feel. The parenting your birth mom exhibits today may not be what she was capable of when she had you. Giving a child up for adoption is the ultimate sacrifice, it does not mean she loved you or your half brother less. I hope as time goes by you can find a place of peace with the opportunities you were given. Please know, there are no perfect parents, birth or adoptive. We are all loved more than we realize, including you. I hope you will be able to feel that love one day soon and be kind to yourself and others. Try to look forward more than back for a happy life.
 
Cheepy 
Sep. 10, 2011 5:00 pm
Wow. OK. You're entitled to your perceptions but they certainly won't benefit you in any way. Women that put their child up for adoption are incredibly brave and self sacrificing. They want their child to have a life better than that which they can provide. Sometimes that decision is forced upon them by society. Those who choose to adopt these children do so with open arms and open hearts. They desperately want to share themselves with a child, some even wait years for the opportunity to do so. Your anger is a disservice to all involved and only holds you back from living as fully as you deserve to. Let it go. Live your life and find joy in it. Mine was a closed adoption and I respect that decision enough to let it rest and appreciate those that raised me so very well. Try to do the same. Hugs.
 
Sep. 10, 2011 6:42 pm
I can understand the anger towards the biological mother, but please consider your adoptive parents who WANTED you, and presumably loved you as their own. Think of how you may have been treated if she had been the one to raise you, she may have been resentful at the time due to age/immaturity. Biology can make you a mother or father, but love makes you a Mom or Dad. When my Mom & Dad married they each had a child from a previous marriage. My half-brother's Mom had died and my half-sister's father wasn't in the picture. (I'm using half- only for technical purposes, as there was never any half- or step- phrases used in our home.) My Dad, from Day 1, was my sister's Dad and she was Daddy's little girl. Since there are 16 years apart between us, we both got to be Daddy's Little Girl and blood had nothing to do with it.
 
Sep. 11, 2011 7:19 pm
You are wasting your precious life by stewing over what shoulda been, what coulda been and what woulda been. You can't change them at all. You can change what is happening now by giving yourself some respect and then pass on that respect to the folks that have been a positive impact on your life. ... By all means, keep posting your thoughts. You'll get many viewpoints- some you'll love and some will test your temper but everyone is offering you food for thought.
 
Mamaw1 
Sep. 11, 2011 7:40 pm
Mike, you are absolutely correct. This is excellent advice. In part, because you have faced the prospect your life ending before it's time, you have succinct and well-thought-out words of wisdom. Hear. Hear.
 
Sep. 12, 2011 11:08 am
Zerostar, this poem really struck something within me, too. My younger brother is adopted. He was abandoned by his biological grandmother, after his mother passed away, and I often have had very negative feelings for her, thinking "How COULD she?", but then I think if I ever met her, all I would be able to say is a tearful "THANK YOU!" I read the part in your blog where you said "I had to go through hell and her 4 other kids got to grow up all happy and with mommy. Ugh. I'm just jealous...yay..." and I wonder if maybe you were the lucky one. I'm not sure of your situation with your adoptive parents, and I'm not trying to sound "preachy", but sometimes the grass always SEEMS greener on the other side. Either way, maybe your birth mother just didn't feel at 19 that she was able to give you what she felt you deserved (HECK, at 30 I don't feel I can give my son all that he deserves!), but I think the pain would be too much to have an "open adoption" in the end. Remember always that your birth mother didn't "give you up", she gave you a chance at a life she felt she couldn't give you herself. Hope you can see it that way.
 
Sep. 12, 2011 12:15 pm
Well said, Mike! Zerostar, you're only human and it's sometimes hard to just accept things and let go of that anger. It's hurting you more than anyone else, and it's also hurting the people who raised you. My mom comes from an equally painful past - her mother died when she was only 4, and all ten kids moved on to foster care. Not only did my mother hate her father for not "finding a way" to keep all his kids (he signed over his parental rights to the state in the hopes that the children would be free for adoption - only one was ever actually adopted). My mother will be 81 this week - I STILL see that anger and hatred in her on some days, and I see a lot of self-hatred. He's been dead over 20 years and she STILL blames him for how her life turned out (which, she forgets, is actually pretty good!). I'd hate to see this eat away at you even more. You have every right to feel these emotions, but what you do with them is also your choice. And I agree with what Brooke said, too - you may have a skewed perception of what life is like for those other kids. Good luck to you!
 
Sep. 12, 2011 6:04 pm
Thought for the Day: "We all have been hurt and we all have a choice: we can spend the precious gift of time that God has given us harboring resentment and anger or we can choose to forgive and break free of the bonds that keep us from becoming fully what He wants us to be."
 
judy 
Sep. 13, 2011 5:42 am
hi zerostar, just wanted to tell you my daughter had a baby for a couple that couldn't have babies, she has beat her self up for 17 years for not being with her child,the baby is now 17 and has had a very good life with her mom & dad, she is well adjusted & perfect in every way,and my daughter is glad she gave them the baby...hope you can find peace .....Judy
 
Sep. 13, 2011 12:01 pm
"Now the unfortunate happening is that for all the wonderful love and support and parenting my parents have done I have a negative physical and mental reaction just being in the same room with them." You and your parents- the people who loved you and raised you, deserve better than this. They sacrificed (that's what parents DO) to give you a good life, and they want better for you than this and for themselves. You are an adult now. No matter what happened in the past, nothing can change now except the hearts that are involved by experiencing forgiveness. You hurt yourself more than anyone when you hold onto grudges. By the way, at 19 - 25 it's really easy to judge your parents (both sets) for their past choices, for the way that you were raised, whatever injuries that happened, real or perceived. It's easy to think of all the ways you might have done better in their place. Reality is much harder than that. Believe me when I tell you that nothing- NOTHING in life will cure that for you like having your own children someday. Don't wait to learn by experience (making mistakes with your own kids- it happens to EVERYONE because we are human) that you were wrong to judge your parents- to let this distance linger and grow wider until it becomes an impassable gulf or until one of them dies and you can't make it right. While there is life there is hope. Your parents (all of them) gave you the gift of life. God speed your healing. (((hugs)))
 
K-Dub 
Sep. 16, 2011 3:12 pm
"The remarkable thing we have is a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past.....we cannot change the fact that people will act a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude." I do not come from adoption nor do I have any experience with it. I can't say that what you feel is right or wrong but I do feel your attitude is off. Take the time to appreciate what you were given.....life. Let go of that anger and LIVE. I know its easier said than done but all you have to do is try!
 
 
 
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zerostar

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Baltimore, Maryland, USA

Member Since
Mar. 2011

Cooking Level
Intermediate

Cooking Interests
Stir Frying, Slow Cooking, Asian, Mexican, Indian, Southern, Middle Eastern, Healthy, Quick & Easy

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About Me
My name is Jackie. I just recently moved to Baltimore to live with my wonderful boyfriend. I've always had a passion for cooking and intend on culinary school one day if I can afford it. I'm a very technical based cook at the moment (i read cooking textbooks at night instead of books D:) but that's quickly changing now that I have to get dinner on the table every night. It's gonna take getting used to! I have to actually learn to do the things I've read about ahhhh!
My favorite things to cook
I love good soups and want to learn to make good crusty bread for them. I'm always looking for good salsas. Southwestern and asian are my fave kinds of foods to cook.
My favorite family cooking traditions
My family is puerto rican and my grandmother was a great cook who unfortunately never wrote anything down. She tried to teach my mother how to cook but, bless her, she can't cook with out a microwave. So I'm afraid all those recipes have been lost :[
My cooking triumphs
The first meal I ever cooked for my boyfriend! We met close to valentines day and I told him I wanted to make dinner instead of all the hooplah that is valentines because we hadn't been together that long. I made all his favorites from scratch, lobster bisque, crab cakes, bacon wrapped shrimp, coconut jerk braised chicken, and strawberry mousse! I swear i took all day making it. I was terrified something would turn out bad but it came out great! That was the meal that completely conquered his heart and we've been together ever since :)
My cooking tragedies
I tried making andes mint chocolate chip cookies but I didn't have any baking soda/powder (whichever it is you put in them! ;x) and i read online you could use pancake mix to substitute(NOPE). so I scooped the cookies onto my baking sheet and instead of baking they liquified! Oh thank god for foil or that would've been hell to clean up.
 
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