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There's a Dawg in My Kitchen! 
Feb. 21, 2010 9:38 pm 
Updated: Feb. 27, 2010 6:21 am

There’s a dawg in my kitchen!  There may be one in your kitchen, too.  Big, small, short, long, furry or not, those loyal companions usually make great kitchen helpers.  The kitchen floor can go a lot longer between cleanings with man’s best friend around.  Dishwasher loading may result in a pre-washing  cycle that disgusts the unwary visitor.  Major accidental spills become a lot easier to handle.    Sometimes food gets a secret special seasoning -- dog fur that was floating around in the air.  No matter how bad your meal turns out, there’s at least one uncritical, eager diner willing to give you two thumbs up for your efforts.  That is, if they had thumbs.  Whether you hate it or love it, there’s just nothing like having a dog in your kitchen.

I love it, or at least I did in the past.  Meet Millie, our 70 lb. yellow Labrador.  She’s a year and half old.  We thought she was all Lab, but it turns out she’s at least 50% chicken.  She’s afraid of the dark.  If I take her for a walk the night before trash collection, she won’t walk on the sidewalk.  Those trash cans are scary!  Men are scary, too.  Things on wheels are scary.  Even musical greeting cards are scary.

But, like most Labs, there’s one thing that is sure to motivate her.  One thing she is surely not afraid of.  It’s food.  Just about all food.  A few raw vegetables don’t make the cut, but I’m right there with her.  For the first several months of her life, she made working in the kitchen quite an obstacle course.  It wasn’t too long before I wished she’d just get out of my way. 

The day my feelings of kitchen sharing enjoyment started to shift was quite memorable.  I was in a hurry to get dinner made, but I couldn’t get started until I fed her dinner.   She, like many dogs, has her bowl in the kitchen.  As a part of her training, I put her food in the bowl and she must wait until I tell her, “Go get it!”  On this day I was so focused on cranking out dinner, I forgot she was waiting.  For 20 minutes that poor pooch just sat there, eyes to the bowl, eyes to me, eyes to the bowl, eyes to me, relentlessly, pitifully and repetitively.  I didn’t even know she had that much self-restraint.  “Oh, my gosh,” I exclaimed when I finally noticed.  “Go get it!”  I felt so awful about it, I sped over to give her lots of kudos and love.

Do you know what happens when a Lab is using all its self-restraint to not attack a bowl of food?  I’ll tell you what happens.  20 minutes of drool, that’s what happens.  My right foot hit about a cup of puppy drool puddled on the floor.  Up went my feet and down went my body.  Slip!  Wham!  Bam!  My head slammed into the kitchen table and my elbow hit I don’t know what.  And Millie went ripping out of that kitchen like the hounds of hell were about to gobble her up whole.

That was the beginning of the end of our mutual kitchen pleasures.  The second big nail in the coffin came one night when she was helping us out with her specialty—the pre-wash cycle.  She was head deep into the dishwasher when her collar unexpectedly looped around something in the loaded dishwasher and got stuck.  Panic ensued and she leapt backward, yanking the entire bottom rack out of the dishwasher.  Filthy plates, bowls, pans and silverware went flying every which way.  She did her best to sprint away from the monster pursuing her.  Across the kitchen, out to the dining room, terror shone from her eyes as four screaming humans and one terrifying dishwasher rack chased her.

It took all of us a while to recover from that one.

Nowadays she’s afraid of a few more items in the kitchen.  The dutch oven, big knives, the refrigerator, definitely the dishwasher, the pull out drawer under the kitchen sink, the Kitchen Aid mixing bowl, any silver bowl, the Cuisinart food processor, anything that makes a loud noise, and more things than I have the space to list.

Major spills go unattended.   There’s no one to give me loving feedback on how my creations are coming along, and I have to sweep up each night to get rid of fallen debris.  I’m talking to myself again, and yes, I do answer back.  She doesn’t even stay in the house when I’m in the kitchen.  Her terror is such that she hides in the garage.  I could set a prime rib front and center on the kitchen floor, and still I wouldn’t have a canine visitor.

Oh!  How I wish there was a dawg in my kitchen!

Feb. 21, 2010 10:01 pm
Oh my goodness,that is just about the funniest story I have read in a long time. My sides hurt. Priceless! Poor Millie. She sounds like just an angel. You have got to work on getting her back in the kitchen with you. I know my kitchen wouldn't be the same without my furry partner (80 lb 9m old Berner girl) :0 The only title she holds, besides queen of my heart, is 'CCX' - Counter Cruiser Excellent, LOL! Thanks for sharing your Millie with us :)
Feb. 21, 2010 10:26 pm
This is the funniest kitchen/dog story I have ever read! I can just picture poor Milly running with that big bad diswasher rack chasing her and people chasing after her, yelling at her!! I would stay out of the kitchen after that too!! funny, funny!!
Feb. 21, 2010 10:31 pm
CC, thanks for your nice comments. I'm thinking of setting Millie's dog bowl right in front of the dishwasher. Maybe one day soon. At the moment it just seems to cruel for words!
Feb. 21, 2010 11:20 pm
Hi Everyone, It's been a lot of years since I've creatively written, but I enjoyed writing the few blogs I've done. Do you all think I could submit these to a local paper? Feel free to check out Onions are Confusing and Bread is Just Like Fishing. Be honest, kind, but honest. I can take it, I think! (I know some grammatical work needs to be done.)
Feb. 22, 2010 2:56 am
Nancy, as a writer myself, some stories of which have been published and some I've been encouraged to seek publication, I think it's refreshing to read such uplifting nonviolent lighthearted purely delightful see it-in-your-mind's-eye laugh out loud story. Honest and true, really. I'm working to assist those with bipolar disorder who have had a drastic budget cut to learn to utilize recipes, along with one of the few remaining staff memembers whse working with gardening, and we will try to do some cooking. I'm also working on teaching music as therapy for what I call a legal coping mechanism. It has helped me avoid pitfalls of alchol and drug addiction as I also have this disorder.I found writing to be another legal coping mechanism, but now I too busy,so I hpoe you could write people need to laugh about happy talkin', innocent lovable things, Like my cat Christopher Robin. Late one when the whole family were soud asleep after a long hot,summer's day, I heard a strange clamoring noise outside our closed bedroom door.I rolled over facin the door tohear more clearly. The washer and dryer were flush to the wall by the door, and the outside door was directly across from the washer. Could someone have broken in and fallen into the washing machine? I can't wake Dan, he got mad the last I thought someone broke in and it was the dog getting in the garbage. Listen! It's beating on the dryer. HELP! WAKE UP! what's wrong? Listen. Creeps! What's that. I' going to finn out, I said bravely jumping out of bed. Well, Chrissy somehow had lodged his head inour coffee pot in the kitchen, wormed his way back to the washer,where he often waited and tried to wrestled his head out of the pot. While I was trying to help him, he shook his head too hard,broke the pot we got it off, he ran off to the girls room and I got rid of the alien noisemakers. Curiosity nearly did kill the cat. NITEY_NITE
Feb. 22, 2010 3:35 am
Oh man. I couldn't stop laughing imagining your poor Millie fleeing the 'dishwasher monster'. lol! Get that poor baby back in the kitchen!
Feb. 22, 2010 3:51 am
Definitely try to publish. Your words flow well and your sense of humor is infectious. Good Luck! (with Millie too)
Feb. 22, 2010 7:21 am
I love this post! What a wonderful story - I can just picture Millie and her reactions! I had a Newfie named Daisy who was a fraid of the should have seen her when the power went out at night!
Feb. 22, 2010 7:33 am
OMG! Millie is adorable...I have 2 hounds and a mouthy cat in my kitchen whenever I choice, it's an RV! Dogs do make life interesting...and what's up with lab's being afraid. My boy dog is a lab/husky mix and is scared of lots of stuff, too....crazy! Give Millie a scratch on her beak for me, ok?
Feb. 22, 2010 1:10 pm
Witchywoman, 2 humans, 2 dogs and a cat all in an RV? You could just post a video of yourself while trying to cook and that would be hilariously entertaining all on its own!
Feb. 22, 2010 5:17 pm
Hi, Nancy! I envy you having a lab. I had a black lab -- a reject of the guide-dog variety. He was bright, but I have trained brighter dogs; he was obedient (to a point), but I have trained more obedient dogs; and he was adorably sweet, funny, and gentle -- bar none. He was the sweetest, gentlest dog I have ever trained. And friendly! But I was his pet. When he got rejected and I worked in the office (after deciding I couldn't train anymore), he kept my feet warm while I typed (if I continued typing when the phone rang, he would jump up, push my under my wrist with his gigantic head, and, if I continued trying to type, he would knock the phone off the hook and try to guide my hand toward it with a low, welcoming "RRRrrrr"); he would push the button on the photocopier (on the "Copy Now" command), and the fax machine (on the "Fax Now" command); and he would bring me home. In his whole 15 years, I never heard him bark. He was an amazing dog. When I had to find a home for him because I was moving out of my house (and I do not believe in large dogs in apartments), I asked my parents to "look after him until I found a house". After three months, my father informed me that even if I found a house, "the dog is ours". He (the dog, not my father) loved carrots, raw potatoes, apples and grapes. He would snag a grape when I wasn't looking and the "Chomp, chomp, chomp ... *swallow*" and, just when I thought the grape was gone, "PTUEEEEEE" ... and the grape would fly across the room with the 80 pound black lab in hot pursuit. Just when I thought he would snag it again, he would drop low and go into "stealth" mode, never taking his eye off the grape, he would slowly, carefully (so as not to scare it), creep ... creep ... and then *POUNCE* and "Chomp, chomp, chomp ... *Swallow*" .......... PTUEEEEEEE and the whole song and dance would start over again. He gave me hours of laughter and comfort, and 12 years after his passing I still miss him, but the memories make me smile. Congratulations on your Home Entertainment and I hope she joins you in the kitchen once again. Every kitchen should have one (I now have two cats who watch every move I make when I cook and/or bake -- they also make me laugh). Keep us posted :D
Feb. 22, 2010 5:48 pm
OMG! I almost wet my pants. That was one of the funnest things I ever read. Thank You!!! Mag
Feb. 22, 2010 8:20 pm
yo.mags, You almost wet your pants! I'm just all emotionally broken up. I don't think anyone's every said anything so nice to me! Gracias!
Feb. 23, 2010 3:48 pm
TOO FUNNY! With doggie help in the kitchen, it's amazing that anything gets done at all! OMG, that image of the dishrack is going to stay in my mind for a long time! LOL
Feb. 23, 2010 4:34 pm
CookieWeasel, thanks for reading. That image of the dishrack is going to stay in my mind for a long time, too, but not necessarily in a good way! I'm still finding and cleaning bits of dried food on the cabinets.
Feb. 27, 2010 6:21 am
Nancy - I just found this blog and I am laughing like crazy! I have 2 kitchen dogs - both labs, one chocolate, one black. They are both also trained hunting dogs. Not sure how I would cook without having to step over a couple dogs. And sweep debris off my floor??!! Never! You need to coax Millie back into the kitchen... Keep writing - this is a great blog!
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About Me
Just a mom. Two kids, husband, two dogs. Just trying to get my kids to eat healthy, balanced meals.
My favorite things to cook
Meat. I love meat! Okay, not just meat. Protein. I love protein. That's just weird.
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I cook. They eat.
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When my kids' friends started telling their moms and other friends what a great cook I was.
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Salmon balls even the dog wouldn't eat. Left 'em outside overnight and a visiting skunk wouldn't touch them either. For real....
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