Roast Beef, Or Where's The Beef?? Conclusion...Sorta Kind Of... - Home on the Range Blog at - 130933

Home on the Range

Roast Beef, or Where's the Beef?? conclusion...sorta kind of... 
Oct. 18, 2009 11:48 am 
Updated: Nov. 13, 2009 1:02 pm
In an effort to refrain from anymore continuing...which is becoming a nasty habit, I would like to post this as a warning...this entry might be rather long. we had to plan a wedding. We agreed this was best executed at our family ranch, which is where we were moving anyway, as no one was living there at the time, and it needed care-taking.
So, we held it right there by the lake, in front of a big hollowed out oak.

Cody, my 14 year old son, was allowed to borrow my visiting brothers Lexus to drive me down the very steep and treacherous hill, to the other side of the lake for this solemn and touching ceremony. As I somberly, and gracefully slid into the seat thru the door that Cody had so graciously opened for me, I pondered our trip down the steep hill and felt just a tad of panic rising. Cody climbed into the drivers seat in front of me and turned the key. I watched in absolute horror as what I reasoned was an anti-theft device was triggered. The steering wheel started heading towards Cody's chest as his seat slid forward to pin him helplessly in the car. I began screaming hysterically as Cody turned and scanned with his eyes, looking for the rattlesnake, or worse, spider, which he assumed was in the back seat with me, rendering him unable to see the impending danger. I was finally able to form the words "GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!"

As it turns out, these ridiculous vehicles have some kind of a preset position, so one doesn't have to manually adjust the seat so you can reach the brakes. Honestly, people can be so lazy....

It was about a year after we had met and the boys had grown considerably, Matt now nearly as tall as Randyman, and they had developed a style of communication that required only brainwaves and eye contact in order to read one another's minds...(hence their success at Pictionary).
As we stood before the officiating minister in this austere setting...Cody glanced at Matt, who glanced at Randyman, who in turn glanced back at Matt, and then it began.

In the midst of my rapturous state, I detected a noise...starting as a small snuffling sound...then slowly building in crescendo and stereo into a full blown snarfing!!! All 3 of my men had tears in their eyes, as they were literally vibrating, trying to maintain the hysterical laughter that had enveloped them for no reason (other than the anxiety caused by wearing tuxedos in public, which was pretty intense). The self preservation instincts of their bodies was to force the overflow of this laughter past their epiglottis' and out their noses, to let off pressure.

Vows were paused until the crisis passed, leaving them with tear stained cheeks and bodies in a state of total exhaustion,
evident in their now drooping shoulders and occasional snorts as we moved to conclude the portion of the wedding that is oh-so-necessary, but all spectators are usually grateful to have behind them.

We were now man and family. Cody took off his Western Tux jacket and whipped out his fly rod, the rest of us gorged ourselves on my Dad's most excellent famous potato salad (which I MIGHT share the recipe for...I am still struggling with giving it up) and other delicacies which had been furnished for the occasion. It really was quite beautiful. My little bridesmaids, who were actually Randyman's young daughters whom I have not mentioned previously to protect the innocent, crawled on logs and played horsie, and swiped fingerfuls of icing off of the wedding cake. The rest of the night shall remain confidential.

We had planned a honeymoon. We decided we should start our new family life, as a family! So we actually invited 18 members of our extended family to go on a waterski trip with us. One word of caution...DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. (or anywhere else, for that matter)

I quickly realized that Randyman had been insulated by heavy workclothes for many years, and the first day at the lake, as he was wearing a mere T-shirt, his formerly unseen, lily white skin went screaming for cover and left him resembling a big, red Michelin man. He was NOT very comfortable, which became only a secondary problem, as we DID have 18 people with us. I might mention here, that his brother and sister in law had brought a motor home, but Randy and I slept in a tent, next to the tents of his mother, and the kids...

Determined to have a Honeymoon no one would forget, we allowed Matt to drive the ski boat and shuttle the entire group including small children, to a little island WAY out on the lake to set up a day camp. I want to mention here, that I was, and remain to this day, a worrywart. I have to muster all that is within me to keep from freaking out when I am being chauffered by people who still have to be reminded daily, to change their underwear and brush their teeth. I know this shows a serious lack of faith on my part, but God is still working on me.

While our companions took turns skiing and towing everyone else on the "bullet", a rubber torpedo lookin thing with handles and a little rope to hook onto, I sat on land, watching in horror as Randyman sizzled like bacon. There wasn't a bit of shade in sight. I think I could audibly hear his skin sizzle and pop. But we had planned this to be a memorable trip, which it was, and we had just paid to have a very expensive, brand new speed prop put on the boat. After discovering Randyman doesn't actually like to swim, (the honeymoon location was clearly one of millions of concessions he was going to make in the future. I guess its just his punishment for being a stalker). I decided I would go skiing, and leave him to crisp up a bit.

Matt picked me up and out on the lake we went. I jumped in the water, shoved my foot into the boot of my slalom ski, grabbed ahold of the rope handles and yelled, in my most athletic voice..."HIT IT!"

I heard the engine of the boat increase in RPM's as it revved up loudly, and began to whine...gripping with all my strength, eyes closed, I kept my tip up out of the water and waited...and waited...and waited...the boat finally became very quiet and I looked up to see Matt and Cody armed with wooden paddles, rowing towards me. Our brand new, nifty, very expensive, speed prop, had come unscrewed and had just sunk to the bottom of Lake Nacimiento.

The next several hours the girls and I began to rival Randyman's bright red hue, as the boys hitched a ride in a jetboat to the marina, to get my creditcard out of the tent, then take our truck 2 hours away to buy a new prop, drive back, hitch another ride, and repair the boat.
I was determined to ski.
We repeated the former routine, only this time, when the boat revved up... I found myself jerked OUT of the skiboot, and sailing thru the air, only to be slapped down on the water in an Olympic quality bellyflop. The rubber boot had chosen this particular trip to tear its complete length, and eject me, so we now had NO slalom ski. Not to be discouraged, I swallowed my pride and requested the double skis. This time, the rope for reasons that still escape me, broke at the handle. So we unloaded the bullet. That rope had broken off earlier, and I suspect it had something to do with compromising our ski rope. We proceeded to tie the remainder of the tow rope onto the rubber handle which is incorporated into the body of the rubber bullet.
For those who might be curious, there is no loud noise when the entire handle assembly is yanked off of a rubber pool bullet. It's really very quiet, or at least it seemed that way to me, as I slowly sank, watching the boat with my children disappear off in the distance without me.

As everyone was finally shuttled back to land, Matt thought it would be a fine idea to let his pretty new cousin, Amy, (a year younger than himself) drive the boat. Remember my mentioning a little problem I have with young drivers? It was cemented into my subconciousness to be forever hopelessly without a cure, as Amy chose, at high speed, to cross the wake of another boat. After the boat landed back on the lake I scrambled to my knees in the back and realized I was looking straight into Amy's eyes. The driver's seat was EMPTY! The force of the 'bounce' had lifted her and deposited her between Randy and I in the rear of the boat, and we were all hurtling across the lake at top speed with no one at the wheel. That's all I remember before my mind went blank.

After recovering sufficiently to climb ashore, I hoped this wasn't an omen of how the rest of our relationship was going to go. The rest of the week, as I pruned up in the water, and Randyman roasted on the beach, no two people ever looked forward more eagerly to the end of their honeymoon...

In the 16 years since I married the axe-murderer, he has graciously put up with a sheep and her 2 premature lambs taking temporary quarter on a bale of straw in our breakfast nook, a very lethargic and stressed baby goat sleeping between us in the waterbed... (no people, this is NOT normal procedure, but they were critical, and cute and cuddly...) and a score of other bizarre behaviors that would test the mettle and patience of any good man. But please know, that alas, alack, Randyman is NOT perfect.

He is a lousy speller, he doesn't speak much, and he won't dance in public. He has been known to trip on his tongue, such as the time I was bemoaning my aches, pains and effects of aging and gravity on my poor carcass and whined "I want my old body back!"
To which he replied...
"Is it older than the one you've got now?"

I am sadly aware that it is the habit of some women to look beyond what they have been given, and let their eyes and more sadly, their minds, drool over pin-up boys, rock stars and beefcakes, and suffer the "I wonder ifs"...

but have you ever looked up and seen a star so bright, you can't take your eyes off of it and you don't notice the other stars surrounding it? Well, its been 16 some years and Randyman still shines.

not to be continued...but possibly to be followed up, from time to time... and photos may be uploaded, depending on the timing of my future mobility...
HandyHunky Randyman-Excalibur
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Randy's girls at the wedding
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My 3 guys
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The Axe murderer and Me
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My favorite Old Goat with one of the newer "kids"
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The ever handsome Randyman, workin as ground crew
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Further down the road, Matt, Cody and me
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Sue M. 
Oct. 18, 2009 12:57 pm
What a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.
Oct. 18, 2009 3:48 pm
And they lived happily ever after! I love a good love story! Now for that potato salad. I think sharing a recipe from someone you love is the biggest compliment you can give someone. Did that persuade you to spill the beans? By the way you ski like me!
Oct. 18, 2009 7:28 pm
The story has been great. Hope the shine continues for the next 16 year and ever after!
Oct. 19, 2009 12:19 am
What a great story! Randyman sounds like a sweetheart of an axe-murderer. I can't wait to hear some of the stories that you must have after 16 years together. Hope you are doing your therapy and getting better.
Oct. 19, 2009 4:42 am
Awesome story!
Oct. 19, 2009 5:11 am
As a part time sufferer of the what-if syndrome, I want to say thanks. I spend more time looking at my own star! Your blogs are the best.
Oct. 19, 2009 7:02 am
And they lived happily ever after, Amen! Great story and a great life. You and your family are truly unique and very blessed to have one another.
Oct. 19, 2009 8:40 am
No money, gettin' creaky, 3 surgeries in 1 year..but dang, life IS good! I would wish that everyone here find and revel in the contentment that can be had. It's a fabulous gift! But a learn-ed thing. :)
Oct. 19, 2009 10:58 am
Oh Petey, the way you write about your life makes for great reading. I do revel in my contentment. Even when things seem like they're in the crapper, at least I'm in the crapper with the one I'm meant to be with, and I know we'll get through this crazy ride together. Keep it your blog!!
Oct. 19, 2009 11:47 am
What a great read. Thanks for sharing..
Oct. 19, 2009 11:48 am
Typing through tears of laughter. My DD thought I was having an attack of some kind. Thanks for the fun look into your happy life. Mag
Oct. 19, 2009 1:17 pm
Wonderful story, Petey and I am confident you and Randy man will have a long and happy ever after!!!
Oct. 19, 2009 5:20 pm
AWW! SO SWEET! That made me even more thankful for my sweetie!
Oct. 19, 2009 5:53 pm
What a beautiful family and a beautiful mom! No wonder handyrandy fell in love with you!
Oct. 20, 2009 12:37 pm
Love your blog:) Enjoyed reading each chapeter!
Oct. 20, 2009 2:17 pm
I loved all four installments of the beefcake story!! So entertaining, and what a wonderful history you guys have!
Oct. 21, 2009 4:00 am
Love the story! Especially the part about the Lexus...those presets are creepy!
Oct. 21, 2009 5:29 am
Loved it! And would also love the potato salad recipe if you can bear to share!
Oct. 21, 2009 8:02 am
How Sweet!!!
Oct. 21, 2009 11:07 am
I loved your story, makes the heart full. PS I would let a stressed baby goat sleep in the waterbed too.
Oct. 21, 2009 8:07 pm
LOL...I was hoping people didn't think that was just too gross! It was a very clean baby goat :)
Oct. 22, 2009 7:46 am
**sigh** Tell me another story!
Oct. 22, 2009 8:10 am
I really like reading your blog entires-they make my day!
Oct. 22, 2009 8:10 am
oops-that's entries*. DWS
Oct. 22, 2009 11:20 am
great story!!
Oct. 22, 2009 7:42 pm
Petey, I tell you, you put Danielle Steele to shame!! You are a totally great story teller! I love the fact that you are just so happy and in love with your man, that you are willing to come on line and tell mostly complete(somewhat), strangers that you are still in green pastures after 16 years of marriage to the same man! That is something to be soo very proud of!! I know that is not a long time in the grand scheme of things but it's a he@@ of a lot more then a LOT of other people, that is for sure!! :) I am delighted to know you and I am Thrilled that you took the time to write to me on my blog, Thank You! I am having a brain fart bout what it was, I have gang up cake on the brain! So embarrassing:~~~~. I love you and your stories!! Hope you get better real soon!! Behave yourself. Now I remember,the green enchiladas! I wish I could drive some up to you right this minute!! hahahaha Take care Sweety!! Love, Patty
Nov. 13, 2009 1:02 pm
I absolutely LOVE reading your blogs! Ive read all of the "Where's the Beef" blogs, along with the skunk problems and the tarantulas. I have not laughed this hard in a long time! You're wonderful! Keep it up!
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About Me
Kids are raised, we are ranchhands on a 250,000 acre working cattle ranch 110 miles from the nearest small town, so we raise a lot of our own food, vegetables, fruits, milk,eggs and meat. Love riding and working cattle, but find myself spending a lot more time in the kitchen, and the garden.
My favorite things to cook
Having 2 Jersey cows as well as milk goats, playing with fresh milk is a hobby, making our own butter, yogurt, sour cream, cheeses, soap and all the other great stuff you can do with fresh raw milk.
My favorite family cooking traditions
Homemade from scratch...anything! All traditions are sort of gone by the wayside, as we live so far from family now
My cooking triumphs
Most things from this site, this has been the best thing the internet has had to offer!
My cooking tragedies
A layered Jello dessert...the middle layer never set, so it did the 'ooze-wiggle'...and...well..I liquified a couple of chickens on 2 different occasions, turning them into a black gel. Moral of that story is, don't start cooking then go clean barns!...and there was the time that my kids were helping me make Thanksgiving dinner and SOMEbody (who resembled my youngest son) forgot to put the sugar in the pie!!!
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