Beef To Beefcake, Or Where's The Beef??? Pt 3 - Home on the Range Blog at - 130391

Home on the Range

Beef to Beefcake, or Where's the Beef??? pt 3 
Oct. 15, 2009 11:34 pm 
Updated: Oct. 19, 2009 12:36 pm
Due to the severity of a freak snowstorm, HandyRandyman spent a week on our couch, and there were no fatalities. As vehicles and other mechanical units continued their struggle for operational survival, he took meals with us and watched the two TV stations we actually got. It was during this time, that we discovered a couple of interesting facts about him...cartoons and sitcoms were able to reduce him to a jellylike mass of tearful laughter which would bring him to the brink of incontinence and render him helpless. This was added to our arsenal.

One evening, he showed up at the door, minus his ratty, awful, icky, moth-eaten beard...which was a revealing surprise. He was upset about it. He said a lady at the gas station said it made him look 30 years younger.
"I don't want to look like I'm 6 years old." , he mumbled.
We assured him, he didn't look like any 6 year olds we had ever seen...except maybe on the Flintstones...and Pebbles seemed to appreciate the look.

The following night, the wild, red, bozo-like hair had been cut and now resided under a good looking cowboy hat and he was sporting a pair of snug new wranglers and a shirt that wasn't eaten up with battery acid. He was morphing before our eyes...and was looking downright presentable and not at all scary...well, except for his size and physical condition...remember the hay bale debacle? There was still a little of Lenny Small left.

It was time for our annual family Christmas party. My ex husband and I had attended this party for 18 years. Randy offered to take us, as it was a good long ways from home, so I agreed to let him, figuring my family would be a pretty good test for him.

Now, I happen to come from a family with some of the biggest liars and horsepuckey tossers on earth. This does not include myself, naturally, as we cannot be judged by our relatives...but my brother, the practical joker, introduced Randy to all the members of my extended family with the line:

"You remember Randy, don't you?"

To which they all replied (except for one little cousin who stared at him and said 'no...')
"Of course I do!! How have  you been Randy? So good to see you again!!!", with lots of handshaking and backslapping thrown in.
Not one of them seemed to notice the absence of my ex of 18 years. (He apparently left the same good impression on others that he had on me). Once again, anxiety surfaced for a brief moment, when someone told a joke, and Randyman, laughing, squeezed the drink in his hand and it shattered...well, actually it exploded and ice cubes were rocketing towards the ceiling while all the people within a 5 foot radius of us were now marinating in 7&7, but it WAS a plastic cup so we set our fears aside and went on.
Arriving back in town late in the evening, we stopped at a grocery store to pick up some things, and ran into one of the regular clients from the feed store where Randyman worked.
She stared at him blankly, (with a little saliva building at the corner of her mouth) and asked me,
"So who is your friend?"
I said "It's Randy. You know Randy..."
To which she replied, with her eyes giving him a once over that actually caused him to blush...
"No, I don't think we've met."

Exiting the store, Randyman turned to me and said
"That's strange...Everyone in Palm Springs remembers me!"

Randyman had begun an ever upward climb in our collective estimations and made the leap from "Axe-murderer," to "Probably Harmless Intellectually Challenged Big Guy like Lenny," to HandyHunkyRandyman...

you know the drill from here...yup, thats right, to be continued...
Oct. 15, 2009 11:41 pm
maybe I shoulda waited so peoples could catch up on pt 2....but you all were so encouraging, I figured they will just have to go backwards...:)
Oct. 16, 2009 5:48 am
Great story!!! I gotta tell you, though, that I started with Part 3 and read backwards and was REALLY confused for a while. You do have a blessed life, indeed. Sounds like you and your hubby deserve every minute of it. Thanks for another good story!
Oct. 16, 2009 6:58 am
Yay! Your brother is hilarious! I think our families are very similar. Wow..from axe murderer to hunky in the course of two weeks! I can't waqit for the next installment!
Oct. 16, 2009 7:14 am
You are such a vivid writer, the visuals come right out of the page. My big redneck boy scares most people. His arm is the size of my waist!!
Oct. 16, 2009 7:46 am
You missed your calling my dear! Fabulous story and, like everyone else, I can't wait for more! :D
Oct. 16, 2009 8:49 am
Petey, I'm hanging on the edge of my seat here. Funny, I too was married for 18 years, only difference is/was I haven't found a handyman.....yet. My car is currently in the driveway, undrivable, I just can't part with $1000 repair bill right now, so I'm driving a beat up jeep, cuz I heard a rumor that men like women who drive jeeps.....hmmm....I don't know, maybe I've been looking in the wrong place and should go to a feedstore for a repair guy/handyman/automechanic.
Oct. 16, 2009 10:42 am
Oh geez we have to wait again???? BTW avon thats so cool you know someone on survivor... I'll have to cheer for Brett now instead of MickDreamy =)
Oct. 16, 2009 11:02 am
Kangal, I know 2 people actually. Brett & Laura. What the heck are the odds? They are both from our city here.
Oct. 16, 2009 12:27 pm
ya never know, Avon, I can tell ya this tho, I was not looking, in fact, I fought this man tooth and nail every step of the way!! I am sure glad that God knows best! LOL
Oct. 16, 2009 2:28 pm
I did the EXACT same thing with my man petey! I fought HARD for eight years to ignore him, convinced he was something of a blockhead at best, possibly listed on America's Most Wanted list at worst, and then a year ago realized that the only thing being a bit of a brickhead was me. At least he was persistent, or I would have missed out. (Though that persistence didn't help the crazy stalker vibe early on.)
Oct. 16, 2009 11:02 pm
Ah, Petey, when ranching gets to be too much, PLEASE, consider a new career as a writer!
Oct. 17, 2009 9:49 am
Petey, I look forward to your blogs. What everyone is saying about writing is so true - except, do they realize you ARE writing, and we are your lucky readers. I'd loved to hear Randy's side of what it was like when he first met you. My whole family is following your blog through me. My husband wants to know what you did about the milking stool problem. Thanks for the laughter, and the glimpse into a life very different from our suburban Boston existance.
Oct. 17, 2009 11:45 am
awww thanks Daisey, that's so sweet. I am currently NOT milking, instead I am letting a couple of orphan calves take care of that for me as I just had a total joint replacement, which leaves me plenty of time for writing! If you could get Randyman to tell you his side, I would love to hear it too...because even when he does speak, we can hardly hear him!! He does however, get to hear these before I publish, and usually says "you forgot to tell them about ...." LOL
Oct. 17, 2009 9:16 pm
Oh my lord, I am hanging on the edge of my very seat! You should publish this! You rock!
Oct. 19, 2009 6:45 am
Wow, aren't you a happy farmer! Clean shave and all...that's true love!
Oct. 19, 2009 12:36 pm
Another great episode! You're hilarious Petey. I agree with everyone suggesting you take writing to the next step. You really have what it takes. By the way I also have a man that breaks out into tear-filled belly laughs at cartoons. My daughter and him have that untainted, youthful sense of humor that I just love hearing!
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About Me
Kids are raised, we are ranchhands on a 250,000 acre working cattle ranch 110 miles from the nearest small town, so we raise a lot of our own food, vegetables, fruits, milk,eggs and meat. Love riding and working cattle, but find myself spending a lot more time in the kitchen, and the garden.
My favorite things to cook
Having 2 Jersey cows as well as milk goats, playing with fresh milk is a hobby, making our own butter, yogurt, sour cream, cheeses, soap and all the other great stuff you can do with fresh raw milk.
My favorite family cooking traditions
Homemade from scratch...anything! All traditions are sort of gone by the wayside, as we live so far from family now
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Most things from this site, this has been the best thing the internet has had to offer!
My cooking tragedies
A layered Jello dessert...the middle layer never set, so it did the 'ooze-wiggle'...and...well..I liquified a couple of chickens on 2 different occasions, turning them into a black gel. Moral of that story is, don't start cooking then go clean barns!...and there was the time that my kids were helping me make Thanksgiving dinner and SOMEbody (who resembled my youngest son) forgot to put the sugar in the pie!!!
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